Long. Time. Overdue.

Well it has definitely been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened since July. Instead of trying to sugar coat it and say life has been blissful, it has been quite the opposite. My life has been a hot mess. Things really just down spiraled. It all started with losing my best friend. I haven't ever said those words out loud. It always tasted sour in my mouth and I never had the courage to say those words. It has taken me four months to come to terms and accept it. Well, I haven't really accepted it, but I've come to terms. And no, I didn't lose her to death if any were wondering. Our friendship dissolved for many reasons, but one main reason: trust. I have always considered myself a good friend. I was the one randomly bringing cookies to brighten a day. Or the one who lent the listening ear with no judgments. I was the one who did something dorky unintentionally and provided laughs. To realize, though, that maybe I really wasn't that friend or the kind of person I thought.... well it was heartbreaking. It caused more emotional and spiritual damage  than anyone knows. By then, my plan was still to attend BYU-I. Then in October I got one of the most wonderful pieces of news I have in my life. It was announced by our beloved prophet that the age for missionaries was lowered and that I, Ashley Mendoza, at 19 years old could go on a mission. When I saw the prophet announce that, it really did not have a huge affect on me. Though, when I saw Elder Holland deliver his speech at the press conference, I was moved to tears. It was the third time in my life, all being within that last year, that I received a strong witness I was to serve the Lord. I had been prepared with this knowledge, but that last time was still a shock for me, an exciting shock. Within two weeks, my mission papers were started, finished, and sent to Salt Lake. Now the wait was on to see where and when I would be leaving to serve the Lord. My life changed. I dedicated more time to the Lord. I started to learn the Gospel. I read the scriptures. I pondered. I prayed. I prayed so much. But the most important thing I learned was about the Atonement. If anyone is reading this, I want to testify that the Atonement is real. It has helped heal my life as I have learned how I can apply it. I feel forever indebted to such a gift provided by our Savior. My sole desire was to serve the Lord and teach His glorious message. During this time we received news my grandpa's health was declining. For the last month the hospital has became our second home as he was in and out and we were in and out visiting him. It was a very painful experience, seeing him in so much pain but especially seeing the pain in my grandma's face, so easily painted across her face. Soon after that we found out my grandmother's health was also very poor and so quickly my dad bought a plane ticket to El Salvador and was gone within days, for two and half weeks. I do not think my family realized how hard it was going to be without my dad. I know I didn't. Soon after he left I had an interesting day. I was sitting in my living room pondering and literally was filled with the love of God. It was so overwhelming and real. Soon after that experience I said a prayer of gratitude and was prompted in my prayer to pray to be able to accept the Lord's will. Later that exact day I received a witness that it was not my time to leave for my mission. I was distraught. I was angry. I was hurt. I literally was heart broken. I cried. And I cried. And at that moment I just really wanted my dad, to tell me it was okay. But he wasn't here. And I wanted a priesthood blessing. But he wasn't there. Luckily my bishop was so willing to come. At that moment I faced a life crisis. For a couple months now I had a plan and now my plan was liquidated. I had no idea what I was now to do with my life. I felt I had no direction. I felt lost. It was at that moment that I poured my heart out to the Lord to ask what I should do. It was one of the most humbling prayers I have offered. As I lay in my bed crying, I was filled with peace. I was left with the impression that it was going to be okay. I was left with the knowledge that this time is for me to better prepare. It is time for my investigators to prepare to hear the message specifically from me and time for them to prepare to be receptive. Although to this day it is still hard for me to think I am not leaving soon like the rest of my good friends, I know it is for a purpose. Shortly after this happened I found a lump near one of my breasts. I freaked out and the worry wart in me said oh this must be cancer! A visit to the doctor was not reassuring as they asked me to go to the hospital immediately to have an ultrasound and a mammagram. Another time where I wish my dad had been here. Yet another priesthood blessing was given to me. And left me a very scared Ashley. The day of my appointment my mom said she knew I was going to be okay and I really wished I could have believed her, but I could not get myself to. Going in for the ultrasound was scary. I did not know what to do. What to expect. And my mom couldn't come. Sitting in the waiting room I was filled with such a peace, that everything was going to be okay. During the ultrasound, the doctor put a diagnosis to the lump and decided right then and there they were going to do a procedure on me. I was so scared. But I was glad it was nothing too serious. The procedure was very painful. The doctor prescribed me some anti-biotics and said the lump should be gone in a month or two, for which I was very grateful.
Like I said, since I've been home my life has been a hot mess. But I wouldn't change it for the world. It has changed me. It has made me see who I want to be, and these experiences are turning me into that person. A person of faith and trust in the Lord. A person of prayer. A person of love. A person of service. A person of patience. And the list goes on. Am I this person now? No!! But I slowly see myself becoming her, as I have these qualities in my goals. For those of you who haven't heard, I will be attending BYU this next semester. It was a quick decision. It was an overwhelming decision. But I know it is the right decision. If there is anything I have learned this semester, it is knowing how to listen to the Spirit. This semester has literally been the most spiritually growing period of my life. There are some struggles I have omitted from my post because they are either too painful or silly things (like boy probs) but I have learned to rely on the Lord 100%. People. He has a PLAN. It almost always isn't our plan. But we have to accept His will. Sometimes we have to walk into the darkness before we can receive the light. I love my Father in Heaven so much. And I love my Savior. "I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me. I tremble to know that for me He was crucified. That for me a sinner He suffered, He bled and died. Oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me. Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me." I am taking a step forward in my life, unknown to what it has in store, but I have faith the Lord's plan will unfold itself before me as I continue to live the Gospel and look heavenward with the big picture in sight.

With time, comes change

Ya know, I thought this blogging thing would help me do better than journaling when in reality I'm just as bad at posting on here! During this time last year I was attending my last Youth Conference as a youth. This time last year I was packing to move to Provo. This time last year I was counting down the days until I started at Brigham Young University, more excited than words could describe. Well a lot has changed! Although I loved BYU, I have felt the prompting I need to transfer to BYU-I. This decision has been harder than I have let on to anyone because I had some of the best times in my life in Provo. Even with the bitter sweet feeling, I cannot deny the peace I feel when I think about my decision. In my mind, I know God has purposes for us that we sometimes cannot understand. I also know His plan is always so much better and more perfect than we could ever imagine. I think I'm going to stick to His plan, even though I've contemplated not to do so, so so many times.
There are some perks to this change though. One of them is I get to room with my best friend! This knowledge allows me to breathe a bit better and gives me comfort knowing I'll have a familiar face to see everyday! When we are together it is the best of times so I have that to look forward to. Another perk to this change is my decision to change my major. At BYU, I was an Elementary Education major. Yes, I was an El Ed major. For some reason at BYU if you tell anyone that they say ohhhhhhhhhh you're on of those girls. But people. That is a GREAT major! Especially with us Mormon girls wanting to have a family, this is a great occupation to balance a profession and a family. After thinking about it and praying about it I decided to change my major to..... drumroll....... Communications! With an emphasis in Public Relations. This excites me. A lot. In high school I was greatly involved in our media program. It was a huge part of my life and something for which I was very passionate about. I am so excited to get back into it! After looking at the classes I get to take I am literally so excited to go back to school!! Weird, excited about school! I guess that's the first sign that I am going to do something I love and am passionate about! BYU-Idaho has a track system instead of semesters.... So they assign you 2 tracks out of the 3 they have. I have been assigned the Winter/Spring track, which means I will go to school from the beginning of January to the end of July!
So I have some family news! My brother, Chris got engaged! It is so exciting and his fiance is just wonderful! She is definitely, I think, the only girl he's dated that I approve of. I guess it's good timing because they are getting married after all! His fiance's name is Amy, and she has an adorable boy named Zander! He's about to turn 1 in August! This means soon, I will be an aunt! I am so excited about this! I will be the best aunt ever! What I think is more amusing, though, is that my parents will be..... grandparents! I think about this and laugh. Chris and Amy's wedding will be September 14 and they, and Zander, will be sealed in the Mt. Timpanagous Temple that day! How precious! I am excited we will bet to be in Utah for a little bit. This means I will get to see my Provo friends! Yay! Aaron also just turned 15, which means he got his permit! Mom made breakfast yesterday and asked us to go pick up something at the grocery store so I told Aaron he could drive. I have never felt more protective in my life! I was in the simplest form of saying it: freaking out. First off, I can't believe he is old enough yet! I feel so old! Second off, he is a new driver and just made me so nervous with how close he was getting to the mail boxes! But in the end we made it safe in sound back home and to yummy breakfast.
Other news for the summer is I got a summer job! I am an employee of Chick-fil-a in Blue Springs! I actually really do like my job! For once, it's nice to feel responsible and making money. I am going to pay for my first semester of college, housing and tuition. I am so excited and happy about me doing this! I also have saved enough money to by myself a Macbook Pro laptop! This will be an awesome asset to my change in majors, and I also just today bought an iTouch! Life is good, life is good. On to my crazy boy life! Oh yea, non-existent :) Haha. But this is okay, because oddly enough I feel I don't need one dangling in my life at the moment! It may change, it may not, but all I know is I am content with my life right now.

Change happens everyday. Some good, some bad. I feel, though, that all the changes that have occurred in the past year have been for the best, and in return, has made life splendid. Cheers to change.

3 days down

First three days of school our done..... Wahoo! It was an interesting week that is for sure. It looks like I will like all my classes. I found out a girl in my ward was in my Art for Elementary teachers so that was a pleasant surprise! There is only one class I do not know anyone... and it happens to only have 15 people! I'm pretty much guaranteed to meet someone and become friends realllll soon. My Spanish class is simply amazing. It is a bit of a challenge because our professor only speaks Spanish.. no English! Which I guess isn't too much of a problem because I can understand most everything, but the key word is most. There are definitely a lot of words I do not understand! And I realized how much of the grammatical concepts I forgot! So there is definitely a lot to take on but I am so excited to hopefully become almost fluent in Spanish. Because let's get real. THAT'S MY HERITAGE! It embarrasses me sometimes that I can't speak it. But soon, my friends, this will change. Brace yourselves.
One of my goals this year is to become closer to my Heavenly Father. I have been doing the little things like daily scripture study and prayer... and let me tell you. It has done wonders already. Its not that I wasn't doing it before, but it was never 100% consistent. Sometimes it was one or the other, or sometimes both did not happen that day! But so far, it has been great! I feel so grateful to go to BYU. In all of my classes we begin with a prayer. In my religion and Spanish classes we sing a hymn! I felt so lame, but my first day of Book of Mormon class I cried, just overwhelmed by the Spirit. These classes are so edifying and I can only imagine all that I will learn!
So those of you who know me well know that I have embarrassing things that happen to me... a lot. Of course multiple things happened this week. One of them happened to include a guy... big surprise. I was walking to one of my classes and I was on the phone with my mom! I don't know how Missouri was incorporated in our conversation, but it was and after I hung up the phone this really cute guy came up to me and asked if I was from Missouri! I told him yeah and in fact I was from Independence! He got all excited and has asking me things and then BAM! I tripped. Stupid sidewalk. And I was totally embarrassed. Luckily my building was right on my left because I could already feel the awkwardness seeping in.
This week was also a little odd. I love food. I really do. So why couldn't I eat this week!!?!?! Gah. It was so frustrating! For some reason, the smell, sight, or taste of food made me feel queasy. I only ate about 5 times ever since I've been home... weird right? And I thought yesterday was the end of it, but I feel that way again this morning! I dunno what is going on! This is nonsense. I am praying really hard this goes away soon because I know for a fact this isn't healthy. On the other hand, Markie and I got a gym pass to Gold's Gym this week! We are going to be working out at 5:30 in the morning... this shall be very very interesting. I am so excited for it though!
Last night was also great fun. Markie and Liz had been telling me about this place called Spark earlier this week. Basically it's like a classy lounge (Mormon style of course). They told me about all these awesome drinks they had like pina coladas and martinis, non-alcoholic of course. So we decided we were gonna go this weekend! We then decided we would make it a girls night out! Then it changed into girls night out + James. Which then turned into girls night out+ James+ other guys! In the end, it was a lot of fun! We all dressed up classy (James even wore a tux!) and we all enjoyed each others company! Afterwards we went to James and Ethan's apartment to watch Lord of the Rings (which I had never seen). Allie, Markie, and I shared a couch. They knocked out pretty fast! But by the end, we were all out. Good times.
Today I am going to the basketball game with Liz! I am excited! I love BYU basketball! yayyyy. Hopefully we win! Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend! And remember, God loves you.
P.S. IT SNOWED!!

Round Two

So.. this is my first time having a blog. Yipee! I am about to start my second semester at BYU and I am quite excited! A lot of it has to do with my classes I am taking, which are: Spanish, Art for Elementary Teachers, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and American Heritage! I think another key factor for my excitement has to do with having friends in my classes this semester! Yay! I start tomorrow and already have four classes! Luckily, my first class is at noon. Thank goodness. I'm learning more and more I'm not a morning person like I used to be. Glad I figured that out last semester!

Being back in Provo is bitter sweet. More sweet than bitter though. I had a great time at home! I had much needed time with my family! The statement absence makes the heart grow fonder is definitely true, and although I have only been at college for a semester, being away for almost 5 months made me realize how much I truly love and appreciate my family! While home we took some family pics! That was an adventure... we hadn't taken them since my freshman year of high school and I remember my brother Chris being a goof in all the pictures. Yep, things didn't change! It was a struggle to get him to smile instead of making silly faces. Oh well, it was a fun experience to say the least. Being home I was able to see lots of friends from school and church! It was actually a strange thing. I was amazed to see how much people had changed and although we still shared memories and experiences, I felt really distant from many of my friends! Even so, it was still fun to reunite and swap college stories and experiences! I spent a good amount of time with a good friend of mine, Torrie, who is starting at BYU-I this winter. She's basically been my best friend since we've been 12 and the reality finally set in that we are going to be a part! To this very moment, it's still an emotional roller coaster of how I feel about that situation... in the end, I think it's a time in our lives where we have to spread our wings and face it all! I know we'll still always be friends.

Since I've been back in Provo, it has been an adventure. I got back Sunday night and I was super tired. I had an.... interesting flight back. If you would like to hear the story call me, beep me, if ya wanna reach me. I was super tired when I got home and the battle between unpacking and laying around and be lazy occured... of course laying around being lazy won. Rachel was excited for me to get home so she made a chocolate cake from scratch! To top it off, we had ice cream to go with it! It was a pleasant surprise! I was too tired to stay up for too long though and crashed. Monday, though, I was very productive and unpacked all of my things from good ol' Missouri! I realized that I had wayyyyy too manyclothes and had to put some clothes in tubs. Butttt I gave myself two new drawers by putting all my school stuff into one drawer as opposed to three! It was fun times being all productive and organizing.... NOT! It's okay, I had my Pandora station on so I jammed out. After I was all organized and feeling good about myself, Katie, Jesse, and I went to Ruby River for lunch and then our usual Wal-Mart run. Except I had a teensy eensy little problem on our way to Wal-Mart. Well ya see, I kinda sorta had to pee. Like REALLY BAD. The kind where you feel like one jerk of the body will result in a yellow waterfall. So yeah, no bueno. Luckily I was able to waddle into Wal-Mart safe and sound. So there's one thing about Katie and I's Wal-mart runs.... we make 2 mistakes. One mistake is we tend to shop hungry. As a result, usually our carts contain a lot of things we do not necessarily need. Most of the time, though, we have enough self-discipline to take out a lot of the things we do not need before we check out. And the other mistake... well we like to get a lot of silly things. Like yesterday I made the comment, ooh I want to get a lunchable!! We walked over to get one... 6 lunchables in the cart later we were on our way off. Yep, that's us.

Last night I went to Liz's apartment with Katie to just chat because well...I missed her face! Phil came by and said he had fireworks so we got a little group together and watched him shoot them off. Then he and Liz had a Roman Candle battle... it looked like they were having a wand battle. Seriously, they should have shouted wingardium leviosa or something! Katie and I went back to Liz's apartment afterwards and then Katie got tired and left! Liz and I wanted to stay up for Markie to get home and then we ended up falling asleep on the couches. I barely recall Markie getting home. All I know is I awkwardly patted her on the back and said welcome home... then fell back asleep. Yay for first college sleepover! Liz, Markie, and I got our textbooks today from the bookstore. Afterwards we got Jambas! Yummy! Good times, good times.

I am so excited for another new semester and I hope it goes well! To the new semester!