Well it has definitely been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened since July. Instead of trying to sugar coat it and say life has been blissful, it has been quite the opposite. My life has been a hot mess. Things really just down spiraled. It all started with losing my best friend. I haven't ever said those words out loud. It always tasted sour in my mouth and I never had the courage to say those words. It has taken me four months to come to terms and accept it. Well, I haven't really accepted it, but I've come to terms. And no, I didn't lose her to death if any were wondering. Our friendship dissolved for many reasons, but one main reason: trust. I have always considered myself a good friend. I was the one randomly bringing cookies to brighten a day. Or the one who lent the listening ear with no judgments. I was the one who did something dorky unintentionally and provided laughs. To realize, though, that maybe I really wasn't that friend or the kind of person I thought.... well it was heartbreaking. It caused more emotional and spiritual damage than anyone knows. By then, my plan was still to attend BYU-I. Then in October I got one of the most wonderful pieces of news I have in my life. It was announced by our beloved prophet that the age for missionaries was lowered and that I, Ashley Mendoza, at 19 years old could go on a mission. When I saw the prophet announce that, it really did not have a huge affect on me. Though, when I saw Elder Holland deliver his speech at the press conference, I was moved to tears. It was the third time in my life, all being within that last year, that I received a strong witness I was to serve the Lord. I had been prepared with this knowledge, but that last time was still a shock for me, an exciting shock. Within two weeks, my mission papers were started, finished, and sent to Salt Lake. Now the wait was on to see where and when I would be leaving to serve the Lord. My life changed. I dedicated more time to the Lord. I started to learn the Gospel. I read the scriptures. I pondered. I prayed. I prayed so much. But the most important thing I learned was about the Atonement. If anyone is reading this, I want to testify that the Atonement is real. It has helped heal my life as I have learned how I can apply it. I feel forever indebted to such a gift provided by our Savior. My sole desire was to serve the Lord and teach His glorious message. During this time we received news my grandpa's health was declining. For the last month the hospital has became our second home as he was in and out and we were in and out visiting him. It was a very painful experience, seeing him in so much pain but especially seeing the pain in my grandma's face, so easily painted across her face. Soon after that we found out my grandmother's health was also very poor and so quickly my dad bought a plane ticket to El Salvador and was gone within days, for two and half weeks. I do not think my family realized how hard it was going to be without my dad. I know I didn't. Soon after he left I had an interesting day. I was sitting in my living room pondering and literally was filled with the love of God. It was so overwhelming and real. Soon after that experience I said a prayer of gratitude and was prompted in my prayer to pray to be able to accept the Lord's will. Later that exact day I received a witness that it was not my time to leave for my mission. I was distraught. I was angry. I was hurt. I literally was heart broken. I cried. And I cried. And at that moment I just really wanted my dad, to tell me it was okay. But he wasn't here. And I wanted a priesthood blessing. But he wasn't there. Luckily my bishop was so willing to come. At that moment I faced a life crisis. For a couple months now I had a plan and now my plan was liquidated. I had no idea what I was now to do with my life. I felt I had no direction. I felt lost. It was at that moment that I poured my heart out to the Lord to ask what I should do. It was one of the most humbling prayers I have offered. As I lay in my bed crying, I was filled with peace. I was left with the impression that it was going to be okay. I was left with the knowledge that this time is for me to better prepare. It is time for my investigators to prepare to hear the message specifically from me and time for them to prepare to be receptive. Although to this day it is still hard for me to think I am not leaving soon like the rest of my good friends, I know it is for a purpose. Shortly after this happened I found a lump near one of my breasts. I freaked out and the worry wart in me said oh this must be cancer! A visit to the doctor was not reassuring as they asked me to go to the hospital immediately to have an ultrasound and a mammagram. Another time where I wish my dad had been here. Yet another priesthood blessing was given to me. And left me a very scared Ashley. The day of my appointment my mom said she knew I was going to be okay and I really wished I could have believed her, but I could not get myself to. Going in for the ultrasound was scary. I did not know what to do. What to expect. And my mom couldn't come. Sitting in the waiting room I was filled with such a peace, that everything was going to be okay. During the ultrasound, the doctor put a diagnosis to the lump and decided right then and there they were going to do a procedure on me. I was so scared. But I was glad it was nothing too serious. The procedure was very painful. The doctor prescribed me some anti-biotics and said the lump should be gone in a month or two, for which I was very grateful.
Like I said, since I've been home my life has been a hot mess. But I wouldn't change it for the world. It has changed me. It has made me see who I want to be, and these experiences are turning me into that person. A person of faith and trust in the Lord. A person of prayer. A person of love. A person of service. A person of patience. And the list goes on. Am I this person now? No!! But I slowly see myself becoming her, as I have these qualities in my goals. For those of you who haven't heard, I will be attending BYU this next semester. It was a quick decision. It was an overwhelming decision. But I know it is the right decision. If there is anything I have learned this semester, it is knowing how to listen to the Spirit. This semester has literally been the most spiritually growing period of my life. There are some struggles I have omitted from my post because they are either too painful or silly things (like boy probs) but I have learned to rely on the Lord 100%. People. He has a PLAN. It almost always isn't our plan. But we have to accept His will. Sometimes we have to walk into the darkness before we can receive the light. I love my Father in Heaven so much. And I love my Savior. "I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me. I tremble to know that for me He was crucified. That for me a sinner He suffered, He bled and died. Oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me. Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me." I am taking a step forward in my life, unknown to what it has in store, but I have faith the Lord's plan will unfold itself before me as I continue to live the Gospel and look heavenward with the big picture in sight.
